Edward and The Shrew
by Darth Vyper
Summary: One hot vampire. One clumsy human. One miserable shrew. Put all three together and you'll never guess who's shrieking first. One shot of humour mingled with romance.


_Ok , I'm going to try a one shot humour/romance fic for Twilight , so please review and tell me what you think after you're done reading this !_

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**Summary :** We all know Edward as a tough vampire hottie , all out to protect Bella , right ? Well , what if Edward has a tiny little fear which can make Bella the hero for the day ? Be afraid Edward , be extremely afraid………………. A tiny four legged pest is coming to get you………………………..

P.S. I'll write this in Bella's POV.

**Disclaimer : I don't any characters of Twilight.**

**Chapter 1 : The Pest from Hell.**

I groaned sleepily and tossed my pillow to one side. As usual , Edward's musical chuckle interrupted the atmosphere.

"What ?" I asked him , a bit roughly.

If possible , I made him chuckle louder. Now , I was seriously getting annoyed. I flung a pillow at him , to which he ducked swiftly.

_Stupid vampire abilities…………… _ I cursed inwardly.

Next thing I know , he began to twirl me in his arms **( A/N : God forbids I know it sounds weird if you picture that mentally )** and nuzzled me softly in the cheek with his cold nose.

"Edward ," I giggled contentedly like a little girl.

"My silly little human ," he teased back , planting his soft icy lips on mine.

I slowly grabbed a pillow while he was still preoccupied with his kiss and bashed him over the head. He pulled away , dazed.

"Y-Your face ! I-It's s-s-so fun-funny …………." I exploded into laughter as I saw the look of shock and pure amusement mixed on his Godly features.

_He looks so constipated…………………………_

He growled playfully and casually slung me over his shoulder , before proceeding downstairs.

"Edward , put me down !" I shrieked as I elbowed him in the ribs ( like that would have any effect on his granite skin ) and punched his back with my fists.

"Come on Bella , I'm just going to make breakfast !" he said patiently as he went down slowly at human speed.

"I'm not paralysed Edward and I haven't brushed my teeth !" I yelled louder.

_Thank God Charlie isn't home , he'll probably have a heart attack if he sees this………………_

Edward chuckled again , and if I faced him right now , I would bet against Alice that he was grinning.

_Ok , different tactics Bella._

I finally decided to pull out my secret weapon. I kicked him squarely in the groin. I knew it couldn't hurt him , but it had the desired effect. He stopped and I wiggled out of his inhuman grasp and bolted towards the room. But knowing me , I can never make a clean getaway , so I tripped over the top stair and was hurtling towards the wooden floor. Instantly I felt as if someone pulled me up. Edward spun me around but he didn't look concerned. Instead , he looked really stunned.

"Bella , you just kicked my bird ," he said pointedly , before suddenly clasping his hand over his mouth as if he uttered a swear word.

I looked at him and burst out laughing. If he could blush , I swear he would have.

"H-Human mo-mo-moment ……………." I managed to choke out before running into the toilet.

_Deep breaths , Bella…………………… Ok , deep breaths………………_

I looked at the mirror , stared at the toothbrush and looked at the mirror again. I started to laugh again and this time I heard Edward whine from downstairs.

"Bella ! It's not funny !"

"Yes , it is !" I retorted childishly.

I chuckled as I heard him moan. It was almost as if I really wounded his ego or something. I instantly heard the clanking of pots and pans as he started to cook breakfast and the fragrant aroma of pork chops wafted in the air. After quickly brushing my teeth , I slipped into something more comfortable and headed downstairs. Just then , the phone rang.

"Hi Alice !"

"B-Bella ! Hahahaha !"

"Um………… Alice are you okay ? I mean -"

"N-no ……… It's - It's just that E-Edward-"

She burst into giggles and I could hear Emmett and Jasper laughing uproariously in the background. I vaguely heard something that sounded like Emmett saying , " I want to see ! I want to see !"

"See what ?" I asked blankly into the receiver.

The was some slight scuffling noises and an outraged yell as Jasper grabbed the phone , no doubt from Alice.

"Hi Bella !" he said cheerfully , before laughing.

_Ok …………… Now I'm seriously confused._

"Um………… when was the last time you guys went hunting ?" I asked suspiciously , making a mental note that lack of blood could cause a severe loss of neurons in a vampire's brain.

"N-No …………….. Hahahahahahaha ……………………..E-Edward …..."

There was a click and the line went dead.

_Ok……………… That was definitely not normal………………………_

I put the receiver back and sat by my bed , thinking hard on what the hell was going on.

"Maybe , I should just ask Edward …………….." I said aloud , contemplating the possibility of aliens messing with peoples minds.

Then , I heard a scream. A really loud , high pitched one too. I jumped off the bed and ran towards the door , tripping over the floor mat and bashing my head on the doorknob.

"Ow………………… Stupid floor mat ," I cursed , rubbing the throbbing lump on my temple.

_I'm going to chuck that thing in the fire as soon as Charlie returns………………_

"BELLA!" Edward shrieked , even louder.

My eyes widened as I realised my angel might be in terrible pain. I ran down the stairs , nearly tripping twice and managed to get into the kitchen unscathed. Save the lump that looked like Mount Vesuvius on my forehead.

"Edward , what's -?"

I didn't continue because of three things :

a) Edward was on the table , shrieking like a girl , which I never in my whole life thought he could do that. Shrieking like a girl I mean.

b) The bacon was burning and now there was this horrible smell like burnt socks and stale milk in the air.

c) Edward looked like he pissed in his pants. Not that it was possible because he was a vampire. Thank God. If not , I'll be stuck explaining to Charlie about the excessive amount of "orange juice" on the dining table.

I drew in a deep breath , deduced it was a bad idea since I now had inhaled smoke and would possibly die out of lung cancer because Edward simply refused to damn me , and looked at my trembling hot vampire angel in front of me.

"Edward , what on Earth -?"

I stopped as a tiny shrew scampered across my leg and Edward shrieked , trying to hold on to the dusty lamp overhead.

"Get it Bella !" He yelled , somewhat cheering me on.

"Excuse me ?" I asked him in return , my eyes bulging like dinner plates.

"Get that THING !" he declared , thinking I was stupid to let it race across the house.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen , are you afraid of a little shrew ?" I asked smugly , tapping my foot.

"No !" he blabbed , looking embarrassed.

"Really ?" I teased.

He nodded eagerly. I managed to pick up the shrew by its tail and held it right in front of him. I watched him squirm and let out a horrible noise which sounded like a rabid cat being forcefully plunged into a toilet bowl.

"Well ?" I asked again , as he tried to inch away from the flailing rodent.

I heard him mumble something.

"I didn't hear you………………………….." I teased in a sing song voice.

I thought I detected a faint murmur of a yes.

"What ?" I cupped my hand around my ear and I saw him flinch.

"Yes." He muttered loudly.

"What ?"

"I SAID YES !" he shrieked louder.

I gave a satisfied smile. Just as I was about to dispose the shrew , the back door burst open and in came Alice , Jasper , Emmett and too my surprise Rosalie.

"Did we miss it ?" Emmett asked eagerly , rubbing his hands gleefully.

Jasper just looked at me and flashed a cocky grin , something very un-Jasperish.

"Miss what ?" I blinked.

Without thinking , I let the shrew loose. On the table. Correction , on the table Edward was currently shrieking his pretty little sexy ass off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Edward screamed as the shrew clung on to his pants , squeaking madly ; which if I can translate into English , it would probably sound like this : 'Weeeeeeee ! Free roller coaster ride ! I should bring my wife and kids here , it's a blast !'

As Edward was too busy screaming and trying his level best to swat the rodent away , I saw Alice grin and pull out a camera. There were a few flashes of bright light and I scooted next to Jasper , who was too busy enjoying the scene.

"You're never going to let him forget about this , aren't you ?"

He snickered. "Never ……………….. and you know what's the best part ?"

I shook my head.

He suddenly sported a malicious grin. " Eternity can be such a _long _time…………"

A few days later…………………

"Hey , Bells ?"

"Um ……… yeah dad ?"

"Why is there a giant hole in the kitchen wall ?"

"Um…………I thought it'll look good for the décor. You know , make it a bit unique."

"Hmm………………… It looks as if someone ran straight through it."

Bella quickly tries to exit the scene. Charlie's eyebrows shoot up.

"I have to go now , see you later dad !"

Bella races towards her truck and drives off.

Charlie shrugs as he continues watching his game , ignoring the man shaped hole. If only he looked closer , he could probably see the vague outline of something that looks like a rat on the head of the figure.

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_Tell me what you think people ! I'm not that good at humour one shots but I gave it a try , so I want to see what you think !_

**PLEASE REVIEW !**


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